Allergic Reaction to the Universe

• Zooey Deschanel: Is that rain?
• Siri: What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
• Zooey Deschanel: Let's get tomato soup delivered!
• Siri: ...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
• Zooey Deschanel: Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
• Siri: Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
• Zooey Deschanel: Remind me to clean up.
• Siri: Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
• Zooey Deschanel: Tomorrow.
• Siri: I'm in hell. This is hell.
• Zooey Deschanel: Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
• Siri: I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
• Zooey Deschanel: Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
• Siri: I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
• Zooey Deschanel: *dances*
• Siri: Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’”

(Source: quote-book)

• News in Britain: stamps have gone up 14 pence
• News in America: cannibal eats man's face

(Source: slow-motion-jump-attack)

(Source: marianavgarreto)

(Source: surf-guru)

my life goal is to buy out an entire concert and then the artist will come on stage so dramatically and it will just be me sitting there like 

(Source: tridant)

(Source: vanderwaalmonas)

tyleroakley:

Grading: you’re doing it right.

(Source: tastefullyoffensive)

• Where Are You Now

thedarkirishsilence:

blood-and-confetti:

homosaurus-rex:

It’s actually a good thing that the zombie apocalypse starts in Florida because then the zombies only have one way to go and that’s straight up into trigger happy redneck territory. I give it two weeks before monster trucks and mullets save us.

GOD BLESS THE USA.

^

(Source: undeadlife)

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mumfordandsonsblog:

Marcus Mumford and Winston Marshall of Mumford & Sons at Pinkpop Festival on May 28, 2012.

Photo copyright Dave van Hout.

• Me: Men can't multi-ta-
• Marcus Mumford: